My mom and I, circa 1984.

21 years ago today my mom passed away from cancer. I’ve thought long and hard over the years about how that event impacted me and it definitely shaped the way that I saw the world.

I began to see the world as a very lonely place. Her passing made me want to withdraw into myself because my once safe universe suddenly did not seem very safe. Prior to her sickness the world felt like a magical place bursting with possibility and love. After she passed things got a lot darker. My mom meant so much to me and if such a pillar in my life could actually fall, what in the world could I rely on and not be disappointed?

My mom’s passing did not have many positive affects on me to say the least. If there was one positive element from the whole experience it would be that I began to develop a spiritual thirst. I wanted to know where she was. Was she ok? Is there a heaven? Is there more to this world than what meets the eye? Through this spiritual thirst my heart started to have a hunger for God.

Once I actually developed a relationship with God through a pretty radical encounter on December 12 of 2000, there was obviously still a lot of personal growth that needed to happen. One of the hardest things that I’ve had to overcome in my relationship with God is a belief that he is not loving.

I think that my mom’s passing really led me to believe that if God existed, he didn’t care a whole lot about me. How could he have let this happen? Why didn’t he heal her? Why didn’t he do something? I don’t know that I could have articulated these questions until recently but that is where my soul was stuck.

Through my spiritual journey I have really grown to believe that God is love. I believe it with all my heart. I don’t know why he let her die but I don’t blame him for that. It’s taken me a long time to learn how to trust God but I finally do. There are a lot of messed up things that happen in this world. I don’t need to tell you that. Sometimes it can be hard to a imagine that a loving God could possibly exist. He does. Though evil exists, God is not the author of it.

What I have learned however, is that he is able to use the brokenness and death that afflict humanity. He is able to make beauty rise from the ashes and he is able to bring light out of the darkness.