I think that sometimes the power of a heartfelt apology is overlooked. People hurt each other in all kinds of relationships because none of us are perfect. Unfortunately a lot of time and energy is spent trying to rationalize and justify what was done when offenses happen.

“I wouldn’t have said that if you didn’t do such and such.”

“I wouldn’t have come home late if you had just communicated better.”

“I was only angry because you just wouldn’t stop….”

“I totally didn’t even think that could offend you…”

Do any of these statements sound familiar? Apologies are tough because we have to own our mistakes. Now what I’m not saying is that it’s just enough to say that you’re sorry. I’m talking about heartfelt apologies. I’m talking about owning what you did wrong and really expressing to someone else that you did the wrong thing. Then you must go even further and express to them that you will do everything in your power in the future to not repeat the offense. Even if the other person hasn’t apologized I believe this is what we’re called to do.

I think it would blow all of our minds if we realized the vast number of conflicts that could be diffused if people would stop justifying and rationalizing. If people would just own their mistakes and apologize, a lot of the sting would be removed from conflict.

Why is apologizing so tough sometimes? When someone offends you, the last thing that you want to do is apologize for how you contributed to the conflict. Apologizing means being vulnerable and vulnerability is tough. A true apology means not just apologizing for the behavior but also for the heart behind the behavior.

If I say something hurtful to my wife, I could just say “I’m sorry for saying that.” What would be infinitely more effective though would be for me to say, ” I’m sorry that I said that because I see that what I said was hurtful. I was coming from a place of anger and that was not an appropriate way to express it. Will you forgive?” In the latter of those two apologies a lot is going on. I’m acknowledging that my heart was in the wrong place which then shows her that I understand the root of the problem. If I just apologize for the behavior then it really reflects very little understanding as to why the behavior was hurtful. It also introduces the very realistic possibility that the offense will happen again because I don’t really understand why what I said was wrong.

There is a lot of power in a heartfelt apology. In resisting the temptation to throw jabs and sarcastic comments. In resisting the temptation to get even and just owning the fact that you were wrong. If you can bring yourself to do this while resisting the impulse to manipulate or coerce, you would be amazed at the result that your sincerity brings. Even if the other person does not receive your apology, you can go to sleep each night knowing that you have done your absolute best to be a person of peace. That’s who I want to be….how about you?