So the other week I had some focused time of prayer and there was something troubling me. I want my life to be completely surrendered to God but I kept noticing that there was something deep within me that didn’t want to do that. That part of me clearly thinks that surrender to him or to anyone else is a really bad idea. There was some deep resistance in me to the idea of surrender and I couldn’t figure it out what the source was.

I started praying and I felt like God prompted me with a simple question.

“Do you believe that I am love?”

Pretty straightforward and yet when I went to answer the question, my answer had to be….no.

You see, I know that God is love in my mind but my heart knew a different story. I’ve had some messed up things happen in my life. Things that had essentially taught my heart that I was alone in this universe. That if I ever wanted to make anything happen then I would need to figure it out on my own. The way that I saw things deep down inside was that if there is anyone on the throne, he certainly isn’t worth my time. The script went something like this:

“If there was a God out there that loved you, he would not have allowed certain things to happen. He wouldn’t make life so hard. The world wouldn’t be so messed up. Everything wouldn’t be such a battle. There wouldn’t be so much confusion. If there is a God out there, he can’t be trusted.”

Theologically I know why those thoughts aren’t true but dry theology doesn’t change lives. For beliefs to matter, they have to be what you know deep within your heart.

“Do you believe that I am love?”

I’m starting to. My last post began with the question, “Who is in charge?” If the one who is in charge is the personification of true love, then we can trust him. We can know that there is good at the center of reality. If he is not, then we’re all in a lot of trouble.

I believe that God is love (1 John 4:16). Do you believe that? Really?