20 years ago today I lost my mom to a long and painful struggle against gallbladder cancer. I remember coming home from school that day having made a good grade on an assignment and wanting to show her what I had done. When I went into her room her breathing was sporadic so I called my dad because I knew something was wrong. He came home immediately and she had passed by the time he made it home.

In describing the passing of his mother C.S. Lewis wrote, “It was sea and islands now; the great continent had sunk like Atlantis.” He was saying that there had been stability and joy in his life while his mom was alive but that everything had changed after she passed. There were still moments of joy (islands) but the great continent had sunk. I certainly couldn’t have put it so eloquently but I would say that’s a pretty accurate depiction of how it felt.

When you go through something like that, I don’t know that you ever really get over it. I think you just try to find a new normal and move on. I’m very thankful for my dad because he immediately assumed the role of mom as well as dad. He rallied every bit of strength he had and turned what could have felt like an empty house into a home again. If anything positive came out of my mom’s passing, I would say that it was an openness to spirituality. All of a sudden I wanted to know where my mom was. Could she see me? Was she okay? People would tell me that she was in a better place or that she was watching over me. How did they know? Could I know as well? These questions and many others like them catalyzed a spiritual journey that culminated for me on December 12 of 2000.

I don’t think that it’s any coincidence that December 12 is my mom’s birthday. That night I had a dream that rocked my world. I was in a dark soul descending into a dark chasm with other dark souls. Before me was a brilliant expanse of light with glorious faces ascending into it. One of the faces was the face of my roommate Ashwin who was a Christian. I went into his room after I awoke from the dream and communicated to him that I wasn’t straight with God. That night I prayed a simple prayer that changed the course of my life. It went something like this….

“Jesus, I invite you into my life to save me from my sins. I pray that you would come into my heart and make me the man that you want me to be. I give you all that I am and all that I have. Do whatever you want to do in my life. I believe that you are the Son of God and that you died and rose from the dead. From this point forward, I give you my heart.”

As soon as I was done praying I felt a light in the room that I had never felt before. I knew that my life would never be the same again. I read the Bible that night and immediately I felt like my eyes had been opened to see that the words were the breath of God. It has in no way been an easy joy ride from that point until now but it has been immensely different.

I miss my mom dearly and honestly don’t like to think about her passing. The good memories that I have of her are rather few and far between because I was so young at the time. To use the analogy from Lewis again, it truly did feel like the great continent had sunk when she passed. But the sinking of that continent opened my heart to look for higher truth than I had ever known. On December 12, her birthday, I came into a real relationship with God and my life has never been the same. I believe that God used the tragedy of my mom’s death to guide me to the place I am today. I’m not saying that makes it easier in some way but I am thankful that light can emerge from the darkness.